Mothers-in-law: Angels or monsters?

[anamika]

Yesterday’s paper (The Times of India) had a very interesting news piece from Chennai. It reported about a forum opened up to address the issues of mothers-in-law. The forum, All India Mothers-in-law Protection Forum (AIMPF) promises to be an all India platform for aggrieved mothers-in-law to discuss their woes. It was launched on Sunday in Bangalore. Many women from all over India and different walks of life - academicians, doctors, homemakers, etc gathered to be a part of it. The forum is going to be supported aptly by a Bangalore based NGO, Save India Family Foundation (SIFF).

Mother-in-law is by far the most dreadful of all relations. They are always shown in bad light, be it in movies or even TV serials. They are always projected as scheming, nasty, ruthless creatures who take sadistic pleasure in torturing their daughters-in-law both, mentally as well as physically!! A “mother-in-law” can never be a “mother” and a “daughter-in-law” can never be a daughter, is a common argument of the so called ‘suffering’ girls. But if one tries to reach out to many present day homes, the situation is far from true. The modern daughter-in-law, who is educated and career minded, is very strong and confident girl. If she marries into a household where the mother-in-law is old and uneducated, she immediately takes the control of the situation and does not dither from making an unpaid maid of the old woman. The girl being an earning and supporting partner, the son too tries to please his wife and has little or no consideration for the old parents.

Gone are the days when Indian culture ruled in every sense. The children showed respect to their parents, the daughter / son –in-law was polite to the elders and the patriarch / matriarch had the last word in the household. Now the scene has changed and the roles are reversed. The IT sector has attracted the girls and boys alike and both the genders aspire to be either Software engineers or some other IT related specialists. This in turn gives them opportunity to travel abroad and many try to settle out there to earn tempting dollars. But as in India, the standard of living and lifestyle is totally different out there. One has to work hard throughout the week and then do their household chores over the weekends. Maids and helping hands are not affordable and feasible. These are the comforts that one can get only in India. So after settling down abroad, the young couples find it very strenuous to balance their house work and careers. Since they have chosen to go there to make money, spending it on maids is impossible. So who comes handy at this time? The old parents!! As it is the parents after retirement, even if they have funds of their own, feel dependent on their son. Many who have little or no savings, or the ones who have spent their life time savings to send their child abroad for a “brighter” future, are totally at the mercy of the earnings and remittance of funds of their son. The calculative daughter-in-law then succeeds in convincing her husband to bring over his parents so that they can “take good care of them” in person.
The actual motive is to bring the old retired people to ease out their work load. The father is asked to shop for groceries and other stuff. The excuse is that the walk to the shop / mall will be a good exercise to the old man. Similarly, the mother plays the role of the nanny to their kids and also cooks for the family, as they all seem to “miss home cooked meals by their mother”!!! Since we Indians are particular about keeping our houses neat and tidy, the cleaning and sweeping comes naturally to the old lady when the young duo goes out to work. Presto!! The problem is solved!! The young couple then can work through the week without bother and make merry on weekends with their colleagues, because the grandparents are there to take care of the kids and there is no need to spend an extra buck for the baby-sitter.

Even though this scenario is more prevalent abroad, the ones residing here are treading in the same footsteps. For them, an otherwise nuclear family suddenly becomes desirable as a “joint” one as it takes care of their motives. Here too the couple goes to work. The mother-in-law, who is a homemaker, cleans the house, looks after the grandchildren and cooks. So when the son and the daughter-in-law comes home tired after the day’s work, the house is in spic & span condition and the hot food is waiting to be served. The children have been well fed and probably tucked in bed too.

When this is the situation seen around in many places, how can one isolate cases of very old and orthodox in-laws who may still harass their daughter-in-law over dowry, petty household issues, etc? Such isolated cases do not account for the in-law to be termed a “tyrant” on a broader platform. All in-laws are not tyrants and all daughters-in-law are not “silent sufferers”. One has to assess the situation and then give the verdict.
A good thing about this forum is that it will give a chance for the mothers-in-law to advocate their side and compare notes on the respective families, not to malign the image of their daughter-in-law, but to understand the situation and find a solution to their plight.

The forum has prescribed their site All India Mother-in-law Protection Forum We are victims; not Vamps. for further communications, discussions & debates. So all the mothers-in-law stand out and open up to be heard by the outsiders……..after all every coin has two sides and the daughter-in-law has shown only one face of it to the world. Flip it over and show what you really are!!! You deserve the right of justification.